I Don't Make This Stuff Up

Usually when I say, "I don't make this stuff up," I only have one story.  Today, I have four of them, and they all occurred during the last two weeks.  Beware, one of them may be considered crude and offensive to some people.

WLnutt is the latest scholar to join our classroom.  His parental unit recently relocated into our school boundary and he was scheduled to arrive on Monday, February 27th.  On February 27th,  WLnutt was a no show.  On February 28th, WLnutt was a no show.  On March 1st, WLnutt stepped off of his assigned bus.  Later in the day he asked me what time his bus would stop to pick him up in the morning.  I told him the bus will be at your residence at 8:03am.  His response was, "that's too early, I'm not getting on that bus."  March 2nd, WLnutt was not on the bus but he did show up at school an hour late.  March 3rd, WLnutt was not on the bus and again he showed up around an hour late.  On both days that WLnutt arrived late for school this was his routine.  He walked into the classroom at a snail's pace to his desk.  He sat down, pulled his hoodie up on his head, slid his butt down to the very front edge of his chair, leaned back to rest his head on the back of his chair, stretched his legs out as far as they would go, folded his arms across his chest and stayed in that position for approximately one hour.

Advancing forward to Monday, March 6th.  Again, WLnutt was not on his assigned bus.  Again, he arrived late for school.  Again, when he arrived he went into his mummy position at his desk.  For the remainder of the week, Tuesday through Friday, WLnutt did not arrive at school.  On Thursday morning I asked Gnu about WLnutt's whereabouts and she said his parental unit had moved and the bus transportation schedule was being adjusted to pick him up at his new location.  His parental unit moved.  This person managed to move into our school boundary, stayed at this new location for just over a week and decided to move again.  What is this parental unit thinking?  Does this person not realize how far behind her scholar is academically.  Does this person not realize that this fourth grade scholar can barely read.  Do this person not realize that this fourth grade scholars diction is so poor that I have to give him my undivided attention to try and understand what he is saying an more times than not I have to ask him to repeat himself.  Dear parental unit, you're constant moving is ruining your scholar's chance at getting an education so why and the hell do you keep moving?     

It's Friday afternoon and Gnu set up a game of Jeopardy for the scholars.  The categories were selected from a Magic Tree House story that was read to the scholars over the past week and a half.  The categories were Moon Surface, Midnight on the Moon (the name of the book we just read), Spring Time, Quadrilaterals (the math topic of the week) and Geography.  Gnu divided the scholars into two groups and they thoroughly enjoy playing the game because it's fun.  Gnu also enjoys playing Jeopardy.  Not because it is fun but because she uses it as her end of the week test to determine what the scholars retained and what they did not.  We are about three-fourths of the way through a close game.  Team One is huddling to try and determine the correct answer to a question.  Team Two is getting impatient.  BigHouse yells out, "you're taking too long," to Team One.  Grr!, who is on Team One turns to look at Big House and says, "we are talking about our answer so give us some time."  MiniJ, who is on Team Two then speaks up.  "You guys need to answer the question and stopping jacking off."

Huey is driving everyone in the classroom nuts.  He has been off of his medication for over a week now.  As a result, he literally can't stay focused on anything for longer that five seconds.  He is constantly moving around the classroom.  As he his moving around he is also talking to himself.  Unfortunately, the other scholars have had enough of Huey's antics and started yelling at him to sit down and be quiet.  Gnu shut down that conversation real quick and then turned to Huey.  "Why are you not taking your medication?"  "We ran out," he responded.  "How can your run out, you have a thirty day supply," Gnu fires back.  "Well, we ran out and my parental unit went to the pharmacy to get more and the pharmacy said that they also ran out."  Pausing for a second.  Any one care to venture a guess as to what is going on?  Gnu speaking again, "Huey is there anyone else taking your medication?"  "Well, no.  Ok, sometimes I see my parental unit take my medication." 

Dear parental unit.  Your scholar has been off of his medication for so long that that his brain is going a hundred miles an hour.  Dear parental unit.  Your scholar has such a short attention span that he can't focus long enough to recognize that he has to go to the bathroom.  Dear parental unit.  As a result, your scholar has shit his pants in the classroom for three consecutive days.  Dear parental unit.  There are days when I think to myself, "if I just had one bullet."  Dear parental unit.  You are lucky that I don't have one bullet.

Beware!  Although some of you may have thought we passed the crude and offensive part, we have not.  It's next.  Hmm!  I wonder if I'll need to explain anything?  Maybe I should leave this one out.  Nah!

During the thirty-four years in my first career plus an additional five years in my second career, I've sat around a big table in a conference room numerous times.  Last week Wednesday, I again found myself sitting around a big table in a conference room.  One of the agenda items was the school uniform policy.  Given the environment that I work in, what a scholar wears to school is not as important as to how a scholar behaves so I was only half paying attention to the conversation.  My half paying attention to the conversation came to an abrupt end when I heard this statement.  Paraphrasing, "we really need to refocus on enforcing the uniform policy.  The weather is warming up and I'm already tired of looking at scholars wearing tights that are so tight that I can see their camel toe." 

Jumping forward one day and I'm heading to morning bus duty.  While in route, I see the other male staff member that was in the meeting that took place at the big conference table.  When I was standing right next to him, I said quietly, as we were in the corridor outside the cafeteria, "can you believe the word camel toe was used in our meeting yesterday?"  He looked at me and said, "not once but twice." 

As I said in the heading, I don't make this stuff up and this holds true with the next one.  One of us, and this should be easy to figure out as I don't have a teaching license, was chosen as the teacher of the month for my school corporation's west division.  Yes, Gnu was selected teacher of the month and I couldn't be happier for her.  This young teacher busts her butt every day and is more that deserving to receive this honor.

Listen and listen carefully.  There are five more school days and then Gnu and I will be on spring break. As I said last week, there are way too many scholars in our classroom and Gnu and I are in survival mode.  Do you think we are looking forward to the two week break?  Hell yeah?

PS - camel toe is a slang term and some may find it offensive.  If you are familiar with the term and my using it offended you in anyway, please accept my apology.